* just a little fact before going into this blog. I'm okay with thunderstorms. They don't bother me at all unless I'm out in them. I hate loathe driving in them. I would rather be in a room full of grasshoppers than to drive in the rain- much less storm. And if you know me, you know I'm terrified of grasshoppers. *
In a post not long ago, I wrote about how we all deal with struggles in our lives. I mentioned briefly about the struggle I'm facing and how it's personally the hardest thing I have ever been through. I also wrote how on that day, I saw God. How he was giving me strength to face it head on... again.
That blog wasn't a lie. That day was one of the hardest days I have ever faced. Seeing my personal battle again was painful. That day I just sat on my bedroom floor and cried. I didn't know how I was going to go forward. But like I said in that post, I saw God. He surrounded me with His grace and love. The comfort I felt after laying on the floor and crying out to Him, was incredible. Something I cannot put into words.
BUT
not every day is like that.
No, not every day do I see God or feel Him.
Did he disappear? Is he too busy for me? Is my problem not big enough anymore? Does He think I don't need Him?
Why don't I feel Him every day??
Why is that some days His comfort is every where and then on others, sadness comes in?
Why is that on some days I feel like His will is being done and I shouldn't worry, but on other days I feel noting but doubt? Fear.
Well, today I had some errands I had to get done. I had been putting it off as long as I could. I couldn't put it off any longer.
So I got myself and Brilee dressed and off to town we went.
First stop, Bossier. I had to go get measured for a bridesmaid dress. On the way, I noticed the clouds looked a little dark- okay, a lot dark. But it was kinda far off so I didn't think much of it. I got to the store, got measured, back in the car and Brilee started crying for french fries. Off to McDonalds we went. While ordering her food, the wind started to pick up and the sky was getting darker and darker. By this time, I was telling myself we just needed to go home. But I had more errands that needed to get done. So I called my hubby and asked him how the weather was in Shreveport and how it looked on his phone. He said... "it's a little cloudy, but nothing bad.. doesn't look like it's going to get bad either." Me, "are you sure? you know I hate driving in bad weather!!!" Him, "nope, we might get a little rain, nothing bad, you should be good." So off to my next stop.
I remember growing up my mother use to always tell me...
listen to your gut.
Well on the way to my next store, my gut was telling me to just go home. But I'm hard headed and my meteorologist of a husband said the weather should be good. I trusted him and had faith in his opinion. Once we got inside the store, the gates opened up and it began to pour. I'm not talking a little rain- I'm talking hurricane rain. Sooo Brilee and I just kept shopping. And it kept raining. Forty minutes went by and it wasn't stopping. I had two options.. keep shopping or get wet running to the car. And seeing how Brilee was now crawling over Ultas floor like a dang animal- getting wet it would be.
Soaked. We were soaked. Head to toe, drenched. Then Brilee thought now would be the perfect time to throw a fit because her "dress" aka a shirt was wet. We sat in my car for another half hour before I was like... just man up Shealee and drive home.
Yall- my knuckles were white I was holding the wheel so tight. I just kept praying out loud that God would get us home safely and that the rain would stop. I'm pretty sure I didn't go over 40mph. The twenty minute trip home took us almost an hour. The rain was coming down so hard, the wind was making it worse and the lighting was terrible. Cars were pulling over on the side of the road. The radio was doing that beep beep beep bad weather announcement crap and I was freaking out! But I just kept praying that God would get us home safely.
But then I came to a red light. And what I saw there... amazed me.
My daughter was in her car seat playing games on my phone. Not a concern in the world. And right then it was like a light bulb went off.
FAITH.
She has faith in me. She TRUST me to take care of her. She doesn't worry about what the next hour holds, she doesn't worry about what tomorrow will bring. She lives in the moment and she has FAITH that I will protect, provide, shelter and love her.
The rest of the way home, I kept driving in turtle mode. My mind was still racing with the fact that Brilee is so quick to trust me and how I'm so quick to trust my husband.... but yet I don't trust my Heavenly Father on a daily basis.
Why?
Is it because I can't physically see Him?
Or is it because I choose not to?
My husband is a great man. He loves me and would die for me, but he is human. He isn't perfect. He makes mistakes (especially when it comes to the weather!!) But yet, every day, I choose to trust him.
I'm Brilees mother. Every day I wake up and protect her. I love her more than life. I would kill for her. I'm human- I fail at being perfect for her. She gets hurt, she gets sick, she fails because of me. But she still loves me. She still wants me even after I fail her. She chooses to trust me when she is scared, hurt or sick.
My Heavenly Father hasn't done anything to fail me. He died for me.
HE DIED FOR ME!!!!
So why don't I trust Him daily??
Yeah, my battle sucks.
There are days that I feel Gods love and comfort.
Then there are days when I don't.
It isn't because He isn't here.
I just simply have to trust and have faith.
And when I do...
I FEEL HIM!!!!
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7
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